How I Managed My Difficult Divorce

This weekly podcast inspires you to step outside of your comfort zone. My name is Zaakirah Muhammad, I'm your host of the living legacy podcast. I am a cancer survivor and world traveler. They are artists who run businesses and if you are ready to hear interviews about professionalism, entrepreneurship, travel, life, and love, you are in the right place. They will their story of how they overcame adversity by seeing life through a different lens. Let's get into it.

Greetings, and welcome back to the Living legacy podcast. So it's been a while since you've heard from me, so I will admit that life has definitely happened. So since we last spoke, I have actually been going through a divorce and as of the time of this episode being released, it has been a couple of weeks but it has been finalized.

How am I feeling? I am taking it a day at a time. Am I happy? Somewhat, I'm getting there. But the most important thing is that I feel very much loved. And it was just even though the divorce itself took two months, technically it was two years in the making, because we have been going back and forth about problems and what was going wrong and going back and forth about the goal we did want to achieve together. And it just wasn't working out.

So I've just been doing a few things to take care of my own mental health and in the meantime, because it had also been two months since Corona had been going around as well. I have been mad, I have been sad. I have been hopeful. I've just been aiming for nothing but positive vibes. So it has been hard, you know, because my love languages, which is going to be a future podcast episode is physical touch and quality time but my top two love languages. So thank goodness for words of affirmation and acts of services working when the other two can't, you know, speak as well. But I'll admit that this episode, really is to change the narrative of divorce to change the narrative of the secrecy of divorce behind divorce, because I feel like it's one of those taboo topics that people don't really talk about. You know, I mean, I've started watching movies about divorce parties. I understand them now; ow that I'm going through it myself.

So I'll say that I went to therapy, of course. Technically, I was already quarantined because my car is now For a month, now, thank goodness, my ex has been willing to help me, you know, get my car repaired. But during that time, I couldn't go anywhere. So I decided to use Talkspace as therapy. And even though I did stay busy, you know, with making sure that my website looks good and revamped just for you and also continue with book marketing and shipping my book orders that came directly through my website, I was also using the time to really work on the back end of my social media marketing agency called focus media group focus with the pH. And I got to reconnect with my tribe as events that I was even more in touch with my closest childhood best friends. And being in touch with them really helped me realize who truly loves me because and I slowly began to you know, some friends of boundaries some acquaintances that I've met either through the immigration process because If you listen to the previous episode of our podcast one episode of having 100 today's episode while we interviewed immigration consultant, you know that my husband is West African and we struggled through the immigration pattern. But even when I would tell them of going on the biggest, the most common response I got was like, I'm so sorry. But I'm like, What are you sorry about? you know that mentality though, like, what are you sorry for? And I'll rest assure that it definitely was not. It was not related to cheating. It is not related to any immigration or scams. It will literally like my family friend said that to people to try to make her work and just couldn't, you know, we had different Love Languages of way to show each other love and we just couldn't. But the one thing the wording that just stayed with me was something "how Can I support you in this time?" Right, that spoke my love and with that meant the most to me. So yeah, I mean, it's just the same thing of it's still grief, you know, we still have to mourn. What could have would have should have been, you know?

So I used a lot utilize their therapy to help me to honestly it helped me to play my next chapter, which, ironically, has ended up being a full circle because I'm going to talk about that in a second. But there was something that I wanted to do for myself. Before I even got married that I tried to incorporate you know, with my husband, but it didn't work out that way. Right.

Yeah, so music was there for me. I would cry. Sometimes I would cry. Sometimes I would just not say anything. I'll just do nothing but sleep. Sometimes I would do nothing. Sometimes I wouldn't eat at all. Sometimes I just literally listed as a binge watch movie. In a day, okay, you know, so finding out that I would do it this way before everyone was mandated to do it.

Facebook memories really just reminded me that as soon as I moved back into my parents household after living in two years in DC, it was about a month after that I really started taking monthly trips to the Atlanta Georgia area. My brother and sister live there. My brother's three kids live there. Now, my childhood, close friends live there. And it's an entrepreneur of the African American entrepreneur hub. And I am an entrepreneur first I'm a photographer. I'm a creative, I'm a creative visual. So I was networking like crazy. I was there at many events many concerts I was press photographer, many concerts and big corporate events. I attended photography workshops. And it just had me realizing how often I was there. And so that honestly, it's so weird to say but so interested in the thing that I am saying it again. But at this time to truly focus, love myself the way that I want to be, right, because I do want that 90's R&B love, but also to truly surround myself with friends and family and those who will help take me to that next level of the visions that have never left my mind.

The things that I've learned from this is that I mean I have no regrets at all. I just have a lot of lessons Now three p that I learned were about procrastination. A lot of things related to my own personal goals that I procrastinated on patience. I thought I was a patient person, but I learned I have a lot a long way to go. To this day, and then kind of it alone what I what? What I like what I don't like you know what I'm looking for not looking for and you know, my nighttime.

So yeah, I'm still very much hopeful about marriage. I just know that as of right now I'm just gonna enjoy have a matter of what it means to truly worry about myself. Live my best life. You know, it's crazy. My mom even was saying to me when we were going through the process, she was like, I think you need to be practicing what you preach. You know, like right now. You don't seem to be practicing what you preach, because I was visibly unhappy. Yes. And it was just really hard to get out of my head. I was in the Nashville, Tennessee area really for him so he can be close to associates of his community of the African community. I'm a nomad. I'm a Sagittarius. I can make nice anywhere I go. But if I want to truly fulfill all of my dreams, I know that Atlanta is the place for me.

So yeah, I think it took a lot of processing but divorce is not mean failure for a while. That's what I thought because I don't want to be divorced. I wanted to be married once. But I mean my own parents were married three times. So at least have something I can learn from that that there is always something better. And I feel like that that's something I struggle with even in my marriage. That was only one foot in one foot out because I'm like, okay, the moment that I am unhappy in the moment that I am expressing my desires and they're not being heard or fully reciprocated, you know, it always had me wondering. So yeah, I'm gonna be giving myself life the same way I give any of these men life, you know, not fake Not figuratively, you know, because yes, we did struggle with having children. But I mean, giving them life, like I literally was the one to help with giving a better life. You know?

So I will say that my ex husband was a good man but just was not a good husband. Right? How can you be if, if you've never really had examples of a good marriage or Good love, you know, how would you know to fully be one? And the same thing goes for fatherhood, you know, like, how would a father know how to be a good father if they didn't have one? I mean, most of the time, yes, you learn from what you didn't see if you did not have your father. You know, what, what to do, what not to do? Right. So it's the same thing when it comes to marriage. I mean, when it comes to intercultural marriages, there are a lot of different expectations. And it's just a battle of knowing what you grew up with, and now in which you live in the world right now pretty different.

So yeah, I mean, it's painful, but it will go away. I believe that I thank goodness for my girlfriend's really, because if it weren't for them, I probably would still remain in this situation. Because I will say that it was different because it was like a bandaid on a scab, quickly pulling off a band aid applied out within the pain slowly but surely going away. So even though it was an amicable marriage, and even though I technically walked away with nothing but lessons and memories, both good and bad, and a few of my electronics and appliances, every divorce is different because neither one of us wanted it to be because we've seen it happen over and over in our lives.

Yeah, it's just If it's possible, you know, especially if you don't have kids and you don't have a house, and that's, that's how we're able to be smooth. Most people have difficult divorces, depending on the state they live in, depending on how many kids as well as depending on how many assets they had together. So we had none of that. So we were able to waive alimony, we've not gone to court with serving each other, you know, so I'm grateful though that I didn't have a child through it, because it would make things so much more difficult. And I'm grateful that I didn't really legally change my name everywhere. So there's a few things I got to change, remove, you know, like insurances, but it's not as much, you know, I never really did change my name, even though Demba was my married name. I just started using it as a part of my brand. It wasn't legally on my documents, so you may see some shifts. Eventually I will be rebranding myself a bit more

But yeah, I thank goodness for music. I thank goodness for friends. And that's what I'm gonna focus on. Getting closer to my purpose, you know. It's so ironic though, that I realized that I met my husband in the month of March, the immigration process beginning in the month of March you got your voice and my goodness and his birthdate is in March. So you would think that I have a love hate relationship with them with a badge of honor, but no, nothing but positivity. Let them be happy, nothing but good vibes. So thank you for listening. And please continue to support the living legacy podcasts. And I will continue to bring more interviews to you that will educate and inspire and empower a woman and encourage you to share your story because that's what this podcast is all about, about sharing stories of overcoming adversity with resilience, right. And through that, you're helping me to continue for labor. So thank you so much for listening.

This episode is sponsored by Talkspace, sometimes using someone's undivided attention to talk to in a non judgement manner. If you already tried therapy you know it can be difficult to wait days or a week until your next appointment. With Talkspace, You can send your therapist a message anytime, anywhere, whether you're near laptop, tablet or smartphone. Your conversation carried over seamlessly across devices and uses banking grade equipment to keep it safe and confident. Get $150 off your first week with my code 1628448. That's 1628448

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